Dilbert's Quotes

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

Accept that some days you're the pigeon and some days you're the statue.

I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

My Reality Cheque bounced.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

I don't suffer stress. I'm a carrier.

Don't argue with idiots. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence?

Dancing is a vertical expression of a horizontal desire.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Why do psychics have to ask you your name?

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you are when you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Change is inevitable...except from vending machines.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a few payments.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.

Half the people you know are below average.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

There is never enough time to do the job right in the first place, but always enough time to do it again.

Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, it was built by killing all of those that disagreed with you

Go that extra mile, it makes the boss look like an incompetent slacker

The Laws of Infernal Motion
1. An object in motion will always be travelling in the wrong direction.
2. An object at rest will always be in the wrong place.
3. The energy necessary to change either of these states will be more than you wish to expend, but never so much as to be totally impractical.

The world is divided into two groups, those who get things done and those who get the credit.

Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.

A short history of medicine;
2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root.
1000 A.D. - That root is heathen, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.
2000 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.

A man's knowledge is like an expanding sphere, the surface corresponding to the boundary between the known and the unknown. As the sphere grows, so does its surface; the more a man learns, the more he realises how much he does not know. Hence, the most ignorant man thinks he knows it all.