Tommy Cooper Lines

• Apparently one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

• 'Cos it's strange isn't it? You stand in a library and go "Aaaaaagggghhh!" and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on a plane and everyone joins in.

• He said "I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library" and I thought "That's a turn up for the book."

• So I rang my local swimming baths and I said "Is that the local swimming baths?" and he said "It depends where you're calling from."

• Someone actually complimented me on my driving today. They put a note on the windscreen that said "Parking Fine" - which was nice.