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Top 10 Reasons For Being...

French

  1. When speaking fast you can make yourself sound gay
  2. You get to eat disgusting food like snails and frog's legs
  3. If there's a war you can surrender really early
  4. You don't have to read the subtitles on those late night films on Channel 4
  5. You can test your own nuclear weapons in other people's countries
  6. You can be ugly and still become a famous film star
  7. Allow Germans to march up and down your most famous street humiliating your sense of national pride
  8. You don't have to bother with toilets, just shit in the street
  9. People think you're a great lover even though you're not
  10. With all the garlic you're safe from vampires

American

  1. You can have a woman president without electing her
  2. You can spell colour wrong and get away with it
  3. You can call Budweiser beer
  4. You can be a crook and still hold elected office
  5. If you've got enough money you can get elected to do anything
  6. If you can breathe you can get a gun
  7. You can invent a new public holiday every year
  8. You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody seems to care
  9. You get to call everyone you've never met "buddy"
  10. You can think you're the greatest nation on earth
  11. When you're not
  12. At all

English

  1. Two World Wars and One World Cup doo-dah doo-dah
  2. Warm beer
  3. You get to confuse everyone with the rules of cricket
  4. You get to accept defeat graciously in major sporting events
  5. Union jack underpants
  6. Water shortages guaranteed every single summer
  7. You can live in the past and imagine you are still a world power
  8. Bathing once a week - whether you need to or not
  9. Ditto changing underwear
  10. Beats being Welsh
  11. Or Scottish

Italian

  1. In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes
  2. Unembarrassed to wear fur
  3. No need to worry about tax returns
  4. Glorious military history... well, till about 400 A.D.
  5. Can wear sunglasses inside
  6. Political stability
  7. Flexible working hours
  8. Live near the Pope
  9. Live near the Pope
  10. Country run by one Sicilian family

Spanish

  1. Glorious history of killing South American tribes
  2. The rest of Europe thinks Africa begins at the Pyrenees
  3. You get your beaches invaded by Germans, Danes, Brits etc
  4. The rest of your country is already invaded by Moroccans
  5. Everybody else makes crap paella and claims it's the real thing
  6. Honesty
  7. Only sure way of bedding a woman is to dress up in stupid, tight, clothes and risk your life in front of bulls
  8. You get to eat bulls' testicles
  9. Gibraltar
  10. Supported Argentina in Falklands War

German

  10. In-built sense of pacifism

Indian

  1. Chicken Madrasi
  2. Lamb Passanda
  3. Onion Bhaji
  4. Bombay Potato
  5. Chicken Tikka Masala
  6. Rogan Josh
  7. Papadoms
  8. Chisken Dopiaza
  9. Meat Bhoona
  10. Kingfisher lager

Welsh

  1. You've got to be having a laugh, haven't you?!

Irish

  1. Guinness
  2. 18 children because you can't use contraceptives
  3. You can get into a fight just by marching down someone's road
  4. Pubs never close
  5. Can use Papal edicts on contraception passed in the second Vatican Council of 1968 to persuade your girlfriend that you can't have sex with a condom on
  6. No one can ever remember the night before
  7. Kill people you if you don't agree with them
  8. Stew
  9. More Guinness
  10. Eating stew and drinking Guinness in an Irish pub at 3 in the morning after a bout of sectarian violence.

Canadian

  1. It beats being an American
  2. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground
  3. You can play hockey 12 months a year, outdoors
  4. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground
  5. Where else can you travel 1000 miles over fresh water in a canoe
  6. A political leader can admit to smoking pot and his/her popularity ratings will rise
  7. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground
  8. Kill Grizzly bears with huge fuckoff shotguns and cover your house in their skins
  9. Own-an-eskimo scheme
  10. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground

Australian

  1. Know your great-grand-dad was a murdering bastard that no civilized nation on earth wanted
  2. Fosters Lager
  3. Dispossess Aborigines who have lived in your country for 40,000 years because you think it belongs to you
  4. Annihilate England every time you play them at cricket, even though you don't understand the rules either
  5. Tact and sensitivity
  6. Bondai Beach
  7. Other beaches
  8. Liberated attitude to homosexuals
  9. Drinking cold lager on the beach
  10. Having a bit of a swim and then drink some cold lager on the beach

25 March 2001