Top Tips

Traffic cops. Don't waste time and money installing video cameras in your cars. Install them in the front and rear windows of all Volvo 340s and Maestros driven by old age pensioners. That way all the accidents which the doddering old fogies cause will be recorded on tape.

High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

Olympic athletes. Conceal the fact that you have taken performance improving drugs by simply running a little slower and letting someone else win.

Avoid drink driving by freezing beer in an ice maker, then eating it.

Lorry drivers. Keep your indicator on for half an hour after each manoeuvre in order to keep us car drivers on our toes.

Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your loft.

Dog owners. Give passers by the impression that your dog is well trained by ordering it to do whatever it happens to be doing already.

Road rage drivers. Settle your dispute honourably by removing your car aerials and having a fencing duel. The aerials will retract if they hit a solid object, thus preventing serious injury.

Motorists. Enjoy the freedom of cycling by removing your windscreen, sticking half a melon on your head, then jumping red lights and driving the wrong way up one way streets.

Housewives. Brighten up Mondays by coating your kitchen floor with 'Quavers' or 'Corn Flakes' order to recreate the sound of walking through virgin snow whilst preparing the tea.

Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin in a bowl of iron filings.

X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of Vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.

A sheet of sand paper makes a cheap and effective substitute for costly maps when visiting the Sahara desert.

Whilst in bed, protect yourself from vampires and werewolves by hiding under the covers.

Car tyres painted white and wrapped in green tarpaulin sheets make ideal packets of Polos for short sighted giants.

Save cash on gift shopping this Christmas by getting locked in prison. It's great, and you can take drugs, and have a wank as well.

I am interested in buying a caravan. However, I cannot find the caravan that goes with my car. If anyone has a caravan with license plate J471 PSD could I please buy it from them.

AT party time, Cornflakes packets make ideal jelly moulds for anyone requiring large rectangular blocks of jelly. Although they do have the disadvantage of not being waterproof.

INTERNATIONAL master criminals. Tell your guards to shoot James Bond in the head at the first opportunity. Under no circumstances give him a guided tour of your base, or leave him in the custody of attractive women in bikinis.

AMERICAN organised crime leaders. Upon capturing the 'A' Team do not under any circumstances lock them in a shed full of tools and useful scrap materials.

OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know.

AVOID over ordering milk by placing your fridge on the pavement just outside your gate. The milkman can then check your day-to-day requirement for himself.

WHEN reading a book try tearing out the pages as you read them. This saves the expense of buying a bookmark, and the pages can later be used for shopping lists.

MOTORISTS. Pressing your 'fog lights' switch a second time after the fog has cleared will actually turn your fog lights off.

A TEASPOON placed in a glass on the back seat of your car makes a handy audible gauge for road bump severity.

BUS DRIVERS. Pretend you're an airline pilot by wedging your accelerator pedal down with a heavy book, securing the steering wheel with some old rope, and then strolling back along the bus chatting casually to the passengers.

LOOK 'hard' on train journeys by saving up all your empty beer cans for a month and then lining them up on the table in front of you.

FOOL other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the kerb.

WHEN out driving always turn left. Then, should you become lost, you can find your way home by reversing the procedure and always turning right.

NEXT time you pop out to the supermarket, glue carpet tiles to the soles of your shoes. They'll make Sainsburys feel like your own living room.

DRILL a one inch diameter hole in your refrigerator door. This will allow you to check that the light goes off when the door is closed.

DON'T put washing-up liquid in the garage or loft. Keep it handy in the kitchen. I put mine in the cupboard under the sink.

SAVE petrol by pushing your car to your destination. Invariably passers-by will think you've broken down and help.

BOMB disposal experts' wives. Keep hubby on his toes by packing his lunchbox with plasticine and an old alarm clock.

OLD folks. Avoid confusion between these new 'microwave' ovens and televisions by cutting out a large letter 'M' in brightly coloured paper, and sticking it to the door of the oven.

TEENAGERS. Fed up with posters falling off the wall? Simply file them in a filing cabinet under 'P' and you'll know exactly where to find them if you want a quick look.

SAVE money on doorbell batteries by removing them and simply popping to the door every two minutes to see if anyone is there.

SAVE electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and walking around wearing a miner's hat.

DON'T fork out on expensive smoke alarms. simply fill balloons with water and hang them from the ceiling. Then cover the floor with air-filled balloons, each with a drawing pin stuck to the top. In the event of a fire the temperature will cause the air- filled balloons to rise up from the floor, and the pins will burst the water-filled balloons, thus extinguishing the fire. Probably.

RE-SPRAYING your car? Cover it with 'Cling Film' first. If you don't like the new colour, simply peel it off and start again.

BUY a television set exactly like your neighbours. Then annoy them by standing outside their window and changing their channel using your identical remote control.

HOUSEWIVES. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.

LOSE weight quickly by eating raw pork or rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhoea enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.

IF a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Make the child drink as many hot drinks as possible, such as tea or coffee, and within minutes the blockage will have simply melted away.

WHEN throwing someone a sharp instrument such as a Stanley knife, or bread knife, always throw it blade first as they invariably tend to turn whilst in the air.

AVOID being wheel clamped by jacking your car up, removing the wheels and locking them safely in the boot until you return.

SMELL gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match in every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the source of the escaping gas.

AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

TAXI drivers. Why not pop into the garage and ask them to fix your indicators lights for you so that other motorists know where the f*** you're going.

PENSIONERS. Try sitting on a pile of encyclopedias next time you go for a drive in your car. That way you will be able to see out of the front window.

SAVE the cost of installing cable TV by taping current editions of Top Of The Pops and then watching them in fifteen years' time.

OLD contact lenses make ideal 'portholes' for small model boats.

KEEP a hammer close to your bed in case any nails fall out of the ceiling at night.

INCREASE the life of your carpets by rolling them up and keeping them in the garage.

NEVER attempt to fasten your shoe laces in a revolving supermarket door.

SAVE time by only looking one way when crossing a one way street.

TAKE your dustbin to the supermarket with you so that you can see which items you have recently run out of.

MAKE shopkeepers feel like criminals and con men by carefully checking their change and holding bank notes up to the light before accepting them.

SAVE on charity donations by spending a pound on clothes at a charity shop, then selling them for 50p to another charity shop. This way you can give twice as much, at half the cost. I think.

NO TIME for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.

I SLEEP with my house key under my tongue, and I never suffer from cramp.

EXPENSIVE hair gels are a con. Marmalade is a much cheaper alternative, but beware of bees in the summer.

GIVE your friends the impression that you wear contact lenses by blinking frequently midway through conversations, and stopping to carefully pull at your lower eyelids.

ALWAYS look both ways when crossing a one way street just in case a blue lorry is reversing down the street the wrong way.

WIG wearers. Secure your toupee in high winds by wearing a brightly coloured party hat with elasticated chin strap. Carry a balloon and a bottle of wine and you'll pass off as an innocent party-goer.

PENSIONERS. Don't forget to retire to bed before 8.00 pm so that you can get up tomorrow at the crack of dawn and go and collect your morning paper while anyone with any sense is still sound asleep in bed.

APPLY red mail varnish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting varnish should be selected).

PUTTING just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and causes them to swim in an amusing manner.

WEIGH your pet by first weighing yourself, then weighing yourself again, this time carrying your pet. Deduct the first weight from the second to reveal your pet's weight. (If weighing goldfish, remember to make an allowance for the weight of the bowl and the water).

MUMS! when clearing up after a children's party, always burst balloons before throwing them away. This way you use far fewer dustbin liners.

HOLIDAYMAKERS. Avoid the need to pack bulky shampoo bottles, which can leak in your suitcase, by arranging for the whole family to have 'skinhead' haircuts a day or two before departure.

PLASTIC tops from smartie tubes make ideal Frisbees for a pet gerbil, or hamster.

OLD folks. Foil the VAT man this winter by clambering up on top of a bookcase, cupboard or wardrobe. Warm air rises, and so the temperature will increase the higher you climb.

MAKE a miniature 'mouse trap' for flies by using a spring- loaded wooden clothes peg, baited with a winnit.

FUN-sized Mars bars make ideal normal-sized Mars bars, for dwarfs.

GARDENERS. Wrap seedling potatoes in a wire mesh before planting. Hey presto! Ready cut chips at harvest time.

KING-sized Mars bars make ideal normal-sized Mars bars, for giants.

PRETEND you're a giant panda by giving yourself two black eyes, eating bamboo shoots and refusing to have sex with your wife.

NORMAL-sized Mars bars make ideal king-sized Mars bars for dwarfs, as well as fun-sized ones for giants.

PREVENT your car from being stolen from the Logica car park by attaching a 3ft metal/plastic stick to the steering wheel. For best results, use a blue car.

BEE keepers. Keep bee hives in strawberry fields to get jam instead of honey.

PRETEND your house is a pub by stubbing out cigarettes on the carpet, watering your cans of beer and kicking your wife out into the garden at 11:30.

KEEP monkeys out of your kitchen by hiding bananas on top of a wardrobe in your bedroom.

PEOPLE whose surname is Toblerone should always take along an empty 'Toblerone' chocolate box when attending interviews for office jobs. This would save your potential employer the expense of having to make a name triangle for your desk, and therefore increase your chances of getting the job.

BEER bottle tops floated upside down in the bath, make ideal 'dinghies' for spiders. Flies can also use them as aircraft carriers.

EAT moderate amounts of food daily so that you do not become too overweight. Then, in the event of collapsing in a toilet cubicle, a passer-by will be able to drag you out through the 6 inch gap under the door and walls.

Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f***ing thing in the first place, you fat bastards.

Dyslexics. Try deliberately spelling words wrongly. This way at least you have a chance of spelling them correctly.

Bearded men can obtain the appearance of an upper class Arctic explorer by simply applying Tippex to their beards, painting their noses blue, and cutting off a couple of toes. It never fails to impress the girls.

Give up smoking by sticking one cigarette from each new pack up a fat friend's arse, filter first, then replacing it in the box. The possibility of putting that one in your mouth will put you off smoking any of them.

Pretend to be Welsh by putting coal dust behind your ears, talking gibberish and singing all the time.

Avoid cutting yourself while clumsily slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

Housewives: When nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a stiff broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass to the side of the road every time you have a minor accident.

Make people think you have an expensive car phone by calling them, asking them to repeat everything they say and then hanging up half way through their reply.

Don't invite drug addicts round for a meal on boxing day. They may find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.

Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.

Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

Make bathtimes as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.

Make guests believe your home might be bugged by running your hands under tables and inside lampshades, then turning the shower on every time you want to speak.

Increase blind people's electricity bills by switching all their lights on when their guide dog isn't looking.

Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.

Make your girlfriend cry when you're having sex by phoning her up and telling her.

Girls. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get pissed, lie in a sand pit in your garden and shag every bloke who looks at you over the fence.

Bus drivers. Pretend you're an airline pilot by wedging your accelerator pedal down with a heavy book, securing the steering wheel with some old rope, and then strolling back along the bus chatting casually to the passengers.

International master criminals. Tell your guards to shoot James Bond in the head at the first opportunity. Under no circumstances give him a guided tour of your base, or leave him in the custody of attractive women in bikinis.