Recipe: Christmas Fruit Cake

Method

1. Rigorously check the whisky for quality.
2. Take a large bowl.
3. Check the whisky for interim degradation and to be sure, pour one level cup and drink.
4. To be sure to be sure, repeat the exercise.
5. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl, add one tsp. of sugar and beat again.
6. Dispel any lingering doubts by checking the whisky again. Have an extra cup to prevent cooks colic.
7. Turn off the mixerer. Break two bowls and add to the egg with dried fruit.
8. Mix on the turnerer. If the fruit gets stuck on the beaters, pry it off with a drewscriver.
9. As the whisky has been lying dormant for some time, check it for tonsisticity.
10. Sift two cups of salt. Or something.
11. It's thirsty work, so a large dram is called for.
12. Now sift the lemon and prepare your nuts.
13. Add one tablespoon.
14. Add whatever comes to hand.
15. Don't forget to beat off the turnerer.
16. Grease the oven.
17. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees.
18. While the cookering is going on, relax with a large drink.
19. It's been a harrowing experience, so take the whisky into the living room and put on that very small video that you were given entitled "Wimbledon's Successes Over the Years."
20. Go to sleep happy but bored.